entrepreneur, Inspirational, learning, Motivational, Uncategorized

Loneliness and just how to put it to your advantage

alone-1867056__340

What is the most important thing in people’s life that makes them joyful? Some persons may point to tremendous prominence and riches but to most, friends and family are the tangible central source of happiness. Even though our need to bond is inborn, the truth is that many of us will every now and then go home alone. You could have people around you during the course of the day or even be in a lifelong partnership and still experience a profound, persistent loneliness. After food and shelter, our need to belong and feel positively connected to others is arguably the Number One predictor of well-being,

Loneliness can therefore be defined as sadness caused by one having no friends or company to connect to. Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to separation or lack of companionship. Loneliness typically includes anxious feelings about a lack of connection or communication with other beings, both in the present and extending into the future. As such, loneliness can be felt even when surrounded by other people. The causes of loneliness are varied and include social, mental, emotional or even physical factors.

Loneliness can be found throughout societies among people in marriages, relationships, families normally consequence of breakups or divorces, or loss of any important person in one’s life. Loneliness may represent a dysfunction of communication and can also result from places with low population density where there are few people to interact with.Loneliness is therefore, a subjective experience; if a person thinks they are lonely, then they are lonely. People can be lonely while in solitude, or in the middle of a crowd. What makes a person lonely is the fact that they need more social interaction or a certain type of social interaction that is not currently available. A person can be in the middle of a party and feel lonely due to not talking to enough people. Conversely, one can be alone and not feel lonely; even though there is no one around, that person is not lonely because there is no desire for social interaction. There have also been suggestions that each person has their own sweet spot of social interaction. If a person gets too little or too much social interaction, this could lead to feelings of loneliness or if one gets too much it could lead to over stimulation.

Solitude can have positive effects on individuals. It can help to improve their intellectual state such as improving attentiveness. Furthermore, once the alone time is over, people’s moods tended to increase significantly.Loneliness can also play an important role in the creative process. In some people, temporary or prolonged loneliness can lead to notable inventive and creative expression,

Causes of Loneliness

Social isolation refers to an objective state in which we have limited social connections and interactions. Loneliness, on the other hand, is an entirely subjective state, in which we feel socially and/or emotionally disconnected from those around us. As such, socially isolated people are not necessarily lonely, and lonely people are not necessarily socially isolated.Loneliness tends to create distorted perceptions and pessimistic mind-sets that can lead to depression. Being lonely makes us judge our friendships and relationships more negatively and respond to others more defensively and even with greater hostility—which can push people away and sabotage opportunities for closeness and meaningful interaction. Thus, these behaviors can set us up for being both more socially isolated and more depressed. The good news is that regardless of whether we are genetically predisposed to loneliness, according to observation by Guy Winch, ‘’the power to extract ourselves from its clutches remains in our hands’. Doing so involves correcting our negative perceptions of our relationships, by assuming people care for us more than we believe they do and giving them the benefit of the doubt and taking active steps to reach out and connect with others no matter emotionally risky it feels to do so. Then   monitoring our reactions to limit defensiveness and hostility and make efforts to come across more warmly and openly.

Introversion

Fear and depression and are common among introverts than extroverts this means that introvert are more susceptible to become loners.Introverts are more self-deprecating than others—but also more accurate in their self-assessments they seem to have cheerless practicality.Cheerfulness, an arousing emotion, may be distracting for introverts during tasks. By difference, extroverts tend to feel cheerful or animated while approaching or concluding their tasks. Conversation between an introvert and an extroverts can involve a series of misunderstandings. As the introvert struggles to follow multiple conversational threads and sort out his own thoughts, he remains quiet and appears to be just listening. The extrovert reads that as engagement, a cue to keep talking. The introvert struggles with the continuing flow of input and soon starts to shut out the extrovert, while nodding or smiling, or even trying to stop the exchange.

What Not to Say to an Introvert

Introverts, those quiet creatures that walk among you, are not as mild-mannered as made out to be. They seethe and even will lash out at those who encroach upon or malign their personal comfort zones. Here are a few emotional buttons to avoid with your introverted companions.

  • Don’t demand immediate feedback from an introvert as they  need time to formulate them and often won’t talk until a thought is suitably polished.
  • Don’t ask introverts why they’re not contributing in meetings. If you’re holding a brainstorming session, let the introvert prepare, or encourage him to follow-up with his contributions afterward.
  • Don’t interrupt if an introvert does get to talking. Listen closely as being  overlooked is a really big issue for introverts,” Trying to connect in the virtual sphere, though, is actually counterproductive. Here are three ways virtual connection is ruining your real-life relationships:

Excessive connection to Social media what do you do on social media? You share moments—moments of joy, of friendship, humor and beauty. Paradoxically, by engaging with social media all the time , you lose the moment. In your quest to connect virtually, you disconnect from your reality and the people in it.

You lose the experience of happiness in the process of trying to refine your smile for public consumption.  The need for positive reinforcement through likes and comments will keep you detached.We’re happiest when our mind is in the present moment, not when it’s wandering off somewhere. Truly savoring a positive experience—fully immersing yourself in it—enhances the experience and the happiness you derive from it. As soon as you pull out that Selfie stick, you’ve lost itInstead of deriving pleasure from your experience—say, travel—your device becomes your main source of pleasure. Unwittingly, it makes you less connected and more narcissistic, and with that comes a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows caused by obsessive attention-seeking.

One study found that the mere presence of a cell phone while two people are talking interferes with their feelings of closeness, connection, and communication. We are profoundly social creatures wired to connect with others; when devices interfere with your conversations, you undermine your own ability to connect with others. You miss the sparkle of emotion in your child’s eye, the look of vexation on your partner’s face, or a friend’s attempt to share something meaningful with you. In theory, social media is designed to connect us. In reality, it acts as a barrier.

 

 

References

 

Guy Winch, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201612/is-there-gene-loneliness

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loneliness

entrepreneur, learning, Motivational, Uncategorized

Learn not to take your self too seriously

easter-2121022__340Life is full of stress.  We tend to take our selves too seriously and most often dwell on solving what is meaningless instead of laughing at such little mistakes and moving on  , we become irritated and scared, thus changing the way we view the world around us. When we focus on the seriousness of such occasions,  we become clumsy and less effective and efficient at discharging our duties and achieving our goals,making small situations to be enlarged before our very eyes.

Most of often, many people   focus  on the other people in our lives and relationships to give them approvals for them to accept themselves.This means that they become emotional dependence rather than independence which is a higher value. When you allow the fear of what people will say  to knock you down, you loose your self confidence often times. While  hurting your self with such fear , you also hurt other people  feelings without realizing it . These behavioral changes alienate people from us and the funny thing is that at those moments, we feel trapped, we act out of bravado rather than understanding. We become defensive as if we are guarding a city to avoid being taken over by some savage.

Without knowing it we are allowing the stress not only to damage the relationships we encounter at those moments. Taking our selves less seriously will make our colleagues , associates spouses, friend trust us and have the feelings that they are dealing with humans and can literally make them want to help also gravitate them to us when they have similar challenges, knowing that since we don’t judge our selves very rashly, we can make them feel better in their own moments of little mistakes and help them move on to focus on what is important. It also accelerate learning as we did not give opportunity to our negative emotions to  open their flood gate of doom in such situations.

In my formative years, we were having a program on entrepreneurship in our school that involved teaching kids the important of learning some  crafts such as barbing,carpentry, weaving etc and i volunteered my hair for the experiment to one one the learning barbers. The learner was a learner any way, he barbed the hair so badly that when i got home i was physically covering my hair to avoid my siblings and  parents knowing that it was badly shaven, but not for long as they found out and it  earned me a completely shaved head by my eldest brother that the sun can reflect on your face from my scalp.

I became afraid the night before school for the next day as i found it increasingly embarrassed to be made a laughing stock. I would have feigned sick but the next day was for  mid term test so there is no escape.The next day felt like a day to visit the dentist. I was afraid of the boys and the little girls in my class who will giggle and even give me names.No amount of self assurance saved me that night

The next morning. i  followed a different route to school to avoid seeing  the kids i know in my neighborhood from laughing at me . Since our school was a stone throw from my house,  we usually walk to school together in the morning with our peers.

Do you know what? as i came closer to the school gate i began to meet the kids i feared most and they did not spare me but made joke of my  artificial bald head. Sensing that there is no way to escape, i joined them  and started  singing along with them the song they were singing to mock me.This unnerved them that one can actually make fun of him self and they sensed that it was useless continuing,therefore  accepting the situation as it was.We even turned what would have been a nightmare mockery to fun as i joked about how i tried to escape every body at home. That attitude quickly made me to be non defensive and i had control of the situation and everything became fun. Before we knew it, the bell rang and the fun came to an end as everybody cut the whole show short and went to the morning assembly and afterwards face the class . Few hours later, it was break time and since the whole class has gotten used to the hair cut, i became free; it only caught the stirs of few of the girls and i gave them thump up while the social science teacher was in the class.

What have you done in the past that you thought will be the end of your live but turn out to be a joke? As adults we should learn from the children and let things drop quickly and not over thinking and worrying about them.Of the truth,there were clearly times in life and certain circumstances that are genuinely serious. However, far too often, we add unnecessary stress, pressure, and negativity to situations with our  serious-attitude instead of learning to laugh at our selves .

Laughter is very good  as anti depressant.It beautifully helps alter  our views and alter our mood, relaxing our muscles, boosting our immune systems, releasing endorphins and decreasing stress hormones, and increasing blood flow to the heart.

We can never  avoid dealing with the serious aspects of our lives—as we all know, but striving to bring  laughter into our lives and relationships in a healthy way is one of the best things we can do to enjoy our selves and also live healthy.

entrepreneur, Motivational, Uncategorized

The Gap between us and our Vision(Conclusion)

thinking-2006869__340

Our world today is filled with fix it quick solutions . We were always in a hurry because there are always many things we want to accomplish immediately,  as a result of increased volume of information available to us through the various medium around us. The internet age makes new innovations become stale within hours and minutes if now seconds.The irony is that  time remains constant each day-24 hours in which we have to do so much  things we have in our lists.As we are hit by reality based on the unchanging principles that forms the natural laws governing the universe and human existence, we begin to come in conflicts with so many things: our belief systems; the need for personal sustenance and survival through meaningful work; the need for productivity in our various vocations to retain our positions because of brutal competition; the relationship hassles with our spouses, children, friends because of our inability to feel and react to them appropriately ;need for new skills to compete and not be obsolete due to the changing nature of available job openings and cutting edge technologies. Finally,under these unfavorable conditions, we also begin to notice that habits we have picked up along the wayare inhibiting us to learn the required ones.

When faced with these myriads of deep rooted problems, some people will watch their faith broken and literally melting, resulting to cynicism and criticizing everything and every body around them. Some may resolve to seek solace in various vices not congruent to human growth , while other may lower their expectations about life and decide never to look up in the sky and dream again, believing that  the vision they projected for themselves when they were young was a foolish adventure.The question here is, is there a solution? Of course, Yes.  If there is no solution, everybody would have been in the same sorry state.

The answers we seek will never materialize until we awaken to the fact that we are not getting the results that we want. The first thing is to accept that we are not getting  the result we want because we were still blaming all the outside factors except our role.

Accepted that we could not have changed so many of the outside factors since they were not under our control, so forget about them for a while. An Ibo- African proverb says that “you can never boast to hunger until you have a piece of yam in your hands”; translating that when you achieve your primary self victory you can as well influence the world positively.

Therefore, if you find your self in such a situation, you should take responsibilities for your future actions from them all and also unconditionally accept that nothing could be done about the past, a sunk cost.By accepting responsibilities, gives you the first power to be involved in shaping and  running your life you automatically become the CEO of your self . The next should be to review the past activities of  your life and do some weeding-out of the things you no longer want to do . These  unplugging of non desirable activities  will provide you time you need because you will no longer occupy all your time with wastes and unproductive activities that drain your energy too.

Freeing up some time  and quantum of energy will be liberating as that will allow you the opportunity to be more clear headed  and  look at the remaining list of activities and prioritize what should be done firs,t second and so on and the list of what if not done at all like watching television will not be missed  if there is no time left.The fastest way to move after you determine what you will be focusing on is to get enlightenment on those areas, look for people who are already making making it to couch you. Learning through reading books and articles in those direction should be key.Even volunteering your time in worthy causes will also give you opportunity at the earliest  possible time to start test running your new ideas

Reading good books which are repository of knowledge has suffered in our modern times.So many people put all kinds of activities in their daily schedules except reading some  good books.The purpose of education is to make common knowledge available to everyone and everywhere in the world first and to also serve as the platform to for transmission of knowledge from one generation to the other. Therefore, the  pursuit of  continuous learning will continue to broadening our minds in more than a small ways and as we learn, we  see solutions to most of the problems submerged in our conscious minds even for years past.

There is no way you can master all the subjects of your challenges at once to be honest , learning is a life long activity so be prepared to start taking baby steps on changing the way you approach those challenges by taking action. The earliest step could be in changing your perceptions and your habits by stop fueling the previous old habits but focusing on the new ones you want.The initial step will be difficult but with passage of time it becomes easier. All you need is to develop new mind sets and persevere along the way to achieving your set goals.Do not forget to  always measure your self and see how how far you are moving towards becoming the ideal person that you want to be based on  the  vision you have developed. for you to effectively o achieve your vision,you have to keep your head in the cloud but never stop for once to work on the tasks in front of you to realize those goals that will make your vision to come true.

If you keeping learning,building new sets of skills such as good communication skills, interpersonal relationships and maintain the positive attitude and not returning to to the former ways of cynicism and criticism and self loathing, you will discover the silver lining in the challenges you have had past through in the past and see that you can start converting them to success since these challenges actually provides us the basis for discovery of the solutions to our former problems. In fact, most of the innovative products today that hits the market and become a success story like Facebook was discovered by Mike Zukerberg and his team working on solving the issue of making people keep in touch with their friends and love ones, business associates , school reunions from all over the world at a very negligible cost.  When you begin to look for the solutions to these myriads of past problems and actually find them, you could unravel what will make all the time worth your while and can even earn a living through them then you will notice the gap between you and your ideal vision begin to close and if you are consistent over time, they can even merge in a beautiful way to create a superior ideas  that will not only meet and surpass your daily needs but can make of you  an international icon who has the finance, the knowledge and the desire to contribute to the less privileged and put smiles and resources into the hands and sousl of million who are still lost on their way,, thereby making the world a better place than you previously perceived it.

Courage to embrace the changes and learning is what is returned.

 

 

 

 

 

Uncategorized

The Gap between us and our Vision

Take 3  seconds  to think how smart, rich, committed, efficient you would have  loved to be right now. The chances were that you have been thinking about that for a long time but have never made any changes except in number of days, weeks months and years delayed. At best, some people takes weak actions, or adopt behavior less congruent to their pursuit to justify their lack of result and finally claimed  goals are not achievable.

The cold brutal facts that we must all face  is that everybody is given a scorecard just like in school by , professor finance, professor health, professor personal development.

Every month each individual receives how he is doing and can decide to tuck it away and never to look into it again, some even decry the unfairness of the scorecards as they were not provided with equal opportunities were  judged the same way.

On the flip side of the coin, the good students of these school of reality were smiling home with the scorecards of higher grades and always keep them handy to have a peep into them and accept the feedback of where they need to makes change and start making efforts to improve in those arrears.

We might not at the onset be able to choose the country, town, race we were born to;we might have different learning abilities based on our upbringings, even if we try, we might  never grow to the same size and stature but this is definite true: we can choose to continue to navigate to the side we believe in strongly each moment making progress as time passes.

to be continued……..